In Which I Discuss Breast MRIs and Saving Nipples

Gentle readers, for this entry, I'm going to back track a little and discuss the breast MRI. You, like I, may be wondering "but, what makes this so different from a regular MRI?" Never fear, for I will explain. First, photos. The stark, plain one is a photo of what I referred to as the rig, the second is an example of how I (and other patients) are positioned for the scan. In my case, my arms were more extended, more like Supergirl or something, and I had an IV in my right hand. (And a 'panic button' bulb in my left.) 

The patient is naked from the waist up and, see those rectangular holes? That's where the breasts go. And then something was moved inwards to rest right next to them - unsure if it was to help with placement or to help direct the 'waves,' but it was fucking weird. I walked into the room in my gown & scrub pants and started giggling. Pretty sure the technicians thought I was crazy, but they ended up agreeing that yeah it is "unusual" looking. The people at Valley Radiology's breast center did their best to make it, um, comfortable, but my hands were going pins & needles by the end. (It was roughly 25 minutes long.) This procedure sucked ass. But, it did conclusively show that there was only cancer in my left breast. Side note: had I opted for a lumpectomy, because of my genetic mutation, I would have had to do this as well as the diagnostic mammogram & ultrasound every 6 months. 

Now, on to the discussion of nipples. Namely, mine. During the to keep or not to keep my breasts, I brought up the possibility of keeping some of the outer parts. Keep in mind, Jason & I had found out the evening before and had spent a little time researching how this works. Dr. O'Neill (my surgeon) said there were different types of mastectomies - including skin sparing and nipple sparing. She thought I should speak to a plastic surgeon, so I went. You see, and this may be TMI for some people, I wanted to keep as much of the original me as possible. Particularly my nipples, for reasons of sexy times. Mentioning this to one of my good friends, Amarise, resulted in this exchange:

Amarise: "Nipple conservation sounds like something people would pass out pamphlets about."

Me: "YES! HAHA! 'Save the nipples!  

Amarise: “Every year more and more nipples are disappearing. How will you stop it?”

Me: "Won't you please help?"

sad music in the background

Amarise: Cue Sara McLaughlin

So you can see I tried to keep a sense of humor about all this. The plastic surgeon advised that due to the size & shape of my breasts, nipple sparing surgery would not be a good plan. When rebuilt, my nipples would end up pointing down, which...ew. I did not want that. I later found online something about procedure called free nipple grafting. Where, during the mastectomy surgery, the nipple and part of the areola are removed & grafted to another part of the body. I was excited about this option and my plastic surgeon was game to try it, so that's what we did during the mastectomy. 

Getting the surgery scheduled was a pain in the ass. Two surgeons were involved which meant getting both schedules to align. And it would have been easier if the plastic surgeon's assistant hadn't sat on a VM I left for an entire week. There was a lot of back & forth prior to this, but then yeah. She sat on it for a week, then informed me my surgery was on 5/15 and I said "no," asking for it to be rescheduled because Phoenix Comic Fest (or whatever they call themselves currently) was the following week.

Now look, I know many of you reading probably think I'm crazy. That's fine. But the fact is, it was a small tumor, caught very early, I was expected at con as a panelist, and dammit, I was going to have some fun before this all got super serious. After a little more back & forth, they were able to acquiesce to my request and scheduled me for surgery on 5/30. Everything leading up to a surgery date felt like a runaway train, despite medical professionals saying things like "you're in control" and "whatever you want." I saw making them schedule when I wanted as a way to take back control - besides, I hate it when doctors schedule appointments & then tell you when to show up instead of asking. So, I got to meet comic writers I love, be Black Widow, and Osgood.

Me with some Bombshell Batwoman
cosplayers

Comics writer James Tynion IV

           

  

Marguerite Bennett, comics
writer, cat lover, Hufflepuff

                                  

So, I Have Cancer

Back in March, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Multiple people suggested I keep a blog/write a book/whatever so rather than start a new one, I'm gonna utilize this one! Because, y'know, it's already here. I'll begin at the beginning...

Earlier this year, my husband found..something in my left breast. We weren't sure we were really feeling anything, but I still had an order from my old OB/GYN, I contacted the new one to give a heads up. They said "oh hey, if you have a thing, you need a different kind of test; where are you going, we'll send new orders."

March 13: Mammogram & ultrasound. They confirmed we were right, then a radiologist came in & told me it looked like cancer, I needed a biopsy, but it was too late in the day to get one that day. I spoke to their scheduler who said they could get me in at 12:45 the next day, but she'd call me in the morning once they got an order. Those words - that it looked abnormal, that 95% of things that look like it are cancer were like someone sucked the air out of the room and punched me in the stomach at the same time. I got quiet & I cried. I'd gone to the appointment alone, thinking the best, that it would turn out to be nothing.

(That night, we went to a VIP pre-screening of Tomb Raider in IMAX and IT WAS AWESOME. Not related, but hey, it was a lot of fun.)

March 14 Biopsy day! We showed up to the same place. I was taken back, shown into a room and settled on a table. They had me roll to the right and placed a foam cushiony thing under my left hip. I raised my left arm, my right arm was bent at the elbow, palm resting on my torso, head was propped just so and they said "oh that's perfect, don't move!" So...I didn't. For 25 minutes give or take. The radiologist who oversaw the procedure said that if it was cancer, I'd join a club I never wanted to be part of...and also told me it's extremely common for husbands/partners to find the lumps, it's also how she found hers. By the end of the procedure I was giggly because I kept thinking about how I was laying and also this:

Pose not exact but you get the idea.

So, I explained this & it got a laugh out of all present. I then was moved to a room to do another mammogram to ensure the small marker they placed was in the right spot. On that wall - a Pre-Raphaelite print that I love that also underscored the whole paint me thing in my head. They kept assuring me they'd call the following day with results for that reason and that I wasn't allowed to shower for 24 hours, I called off work the following day. They never called.

March 16, a Friday. I went to work. I spent all day wondering, waiting. Then, at  just after 4 something in the afternoon, my cell rang. Someone said they had a call from a doctor. I accepted & soon I heard a wavery, very old voice (much like Diane Rehm on NPR) come on the line and politely explain that my results were back but it was not good news. She told me I had cancer. Then asked if I was with family, when I replied I was at work she got a bit stammery, realizing the awkwardness of my situation. We hung up. I called Jason & told him. Then went to the bathroom to cry & texted my supervisor who was at her desk. We talked & she offered support and the chance to go home early.

 By the end of the weekend, I'd told my family & many friends who I'm close to and volunteer with. The following week, I met with a breast surgeon, had a genetic test, and a breast MRI.

2 weeks later, I had a lumpectomy scheduled for 4/5 and my surgeon called on 4/3 at 7pm from her car to tell me I had a genetic mutation (CHEK2) and we needed to discuss it in the office. Next morning, we went in & after a lot of weighing of odds and scientific evidence, I opted for a bilateral mastectomy. This was a devastating thought for me at the time. I did not want to give up my breasts. I'd spent many years not really liking or resenting their size and had only recently gotten comfortable and now they were going?!? So, I was given info to consult a plastic surgeon on options.

This is enough for now. It's how it started. It felt like a runaway train at first and that feeling continued for awhile.

Buffy Season 4: Better Than I Remembered

I've been off work on medical leave since the end of May. (Treatment for cancer - seems like I'll be fine. Maybe I'll write about it sometime.) Since then I've read many books, watched some shows, and that includes continuing a re-watch of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

When I finished season 3, it was with a heavy sigh that I loaded up the DVDs for 4. I've always thought that four was not only the weakest season story wise, but also generally terrible. To give an idea of how terrible it's regarded, one friend referred to it as "hot garbage." But something weird happened. I found myself NOT HATING IT. Even the generally reviled episode "Beer Bad," because let's be honest, it's funny AF when she clubs Parker upside the head with, well, a club. Twice.

In the first episode, when she looks small and lost on the first day at UC Sunnydale, my husband remarked that Buffy in college was like him in high school and I realized it was me, too. Feeling small, lost, not quite sure what was going on or who to join in with. (I also felt the same way at college.) To see Riley for the first time - clean-cut, square-jawed, all-American hero type and be reminded how handsome & innocent he seemed. But also note that during the first meeting, he seemed more taken with Willow because she was the more knowledgeable of the two.

I cried all over again when Veruca showed up. She showed Oz what the life of an unfettered werewolf could be & his losses of control scared him so badly that he up & left with no explanation, breaking Willow's heart into a million pieces.

The other romantic relationships were great too, Anya & Xander - more Anya time is always welcome. Tara & Willow's burgeoning friendship that turns into more. Watching Riley & Buffy go from sweet awkwardness to can't-get-enough-of-each-other; while also noticing his feelings start to become more insecure as he realizes she can kick his ass.

Season 4 also has 2 amazing episodes - Hush and A New Man. The former is the iconic episode where monsters called The Gentelmen come to Sunnydale & steal everyone's voices; it is also the ep where Buffy & Riley see the first look at each other's secret lives. A New Man is where Giles meets up with his old rival Ethan Rayne who drops some hints about the Initiative and spikes Giles' drink to turn him into a Fyarl demon. Thus forming an episode long alliance with Spike since he's the only one who speaks Fyarl. Funniest bit is when Giles asks Spike to stop the car so he can get out & scare Prof. Walsh and one of the best overall moments is when Buffy is about to slay Giles, looks into his eyes and realizes it's him. "Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me."



Not to mention the fantastic 2 episode story where Faith comes out of the coma! (And drops some hints about Dawn - which I absolutely did not catch the first time around.) She's given a magical whatsit that allows her to switch bodies with Buffy. Seeing her (in Buffy) react to the way others see Buffy starts to change her so that by the end, she actually does want to fight the good fight...at least a little bit. Buffy also gets a strong dose of being Faith and it seems to freak her out. Although a good deal of her time being Faith is spent simply trying to survive since the Watcher Council sent a hit squad after Faith, she manages to subdue them, escape, and get help from her friends. In the end of course, magic prevails, they switch back, and Faith takes off. (To L.A., where she crosses over in an Angel episode & then turns herself in.) The Scooby Gang is left to pick up the pieces & deal with the repercussions of having Faith running around with Buffy's face.

And who could forget Superstar?!? Jonathan - who will later show up with the Trio & has been a background character since the beginning - does a spell to try & make everyone like him. This results in tweaking the world so that he is excellent at everything. Jane Espenson wrote this episode & it is a joy. To carry the story through, even the intro has been altered to include Jonathan doing heroic things. The story still manages to be relevant to the other plots going on, though, since at various times, Jonathan dispenses helpful advice to Riley & Buffy as well as lets the other Initiative members in on some important intel.

By the end of the season, I still think that as far as over-arching stories go, the Initiative was pretty weak and still dumb. BUT, the season as a whole was not as bad as I recall. It was them showing us the characters developing as young adults, on their own, away from the familiar confines of previous seasons. I first watched Buffy in my early 20s, so I don't have any of the leftover feelings of how it was when I was a kid, but 20 years of life can sometimes change one's perspective. Really looking forward to digging in to season 5 this week.

Star Wars & Me

If I had a relationship status with Star Wars, it would be "it's complicated."

The first Star Wars movie I remember seeing is Return of the Jedi. My mom took me to see it in the theatre & I was hooked. I wanted to hang out with Ewoks & celebrate the downfall of the Empire. I saw the others later on cable & at the time really didn't appreciate Empire enough.

Fast forward to getting super excited for The Phantom Menace. They were going to start at the beginning! That (opening) Thursday, I accepted an invitation from a friend to hit up the midnight showing, long line & all - we had such a good time. But the movie... was lackluster. I felt the same way about the next two prequels. A little later, a friend pressed a copy of the novelization of Revenge of the Sith into my hands and said "read this." It was amazing. Why couldn't they have filmed THAT?! (Tor.com goes further.)

Me with purple lightsaber.

Basically, the prequels soured me on Star Wars. I liked the franchise, but wasn't what I considered a fan. When news broke that Disney had acquired Star Wars, Lucasfilm, the whole shebang, I got cautiously excited, especially when they started talking making more movies.

Flash forward to 2015. It was going to happen, Episode VII. Then, the teaser dropped.

"Chewy, we're home"

I cried. Lord help me, I cried at my desk where I really shouldn't have been watching but did anyway. Then when a friend came by, we watched it together on his phone. After talking animatedly about it, we moved our nerdfest to another friend's cube. Later that year, I helped transform our unit at work into a Star Wars-themed area and it was super fun, even if I'm still a little bitter we lost.

I still have a TIE fighter. And Han in carbonite all printed out.

There he was hanging on a wall,
now, he lives in our dining room.

They had me again at that teaser. Then when I watched the full trailer, tears streaming down my face, I whispered to the universe "please don't suck." And it didn't. Ok, that one part was heartbreaking, but the movie didn't suck. Then came Rogue One. Which also didn't suck. In fact, it was fucking amazing. My faith has been restored.

I've dived deep into the Wookieepedia on the history of the Jedi/Sith conflict. Discussed theories with friends, angrily dissected why someone would favor the Empire/First Order over the Rebellion/Resistance. Basically, I'm just about all in.

And when Carrie Fisher passed away in December, I sobbed openly - again, at work - because there was no other reaction I could possibly have. When I got home, I cried some more while reading tributes, talking with friends, and talking with my husband. She played my first real hero in a movie and when I learned more about her later as person, that status applied to her as well. I have been pondering a piece about her, but now, even 4 months later, it feels almost too raw to write.

Today, the teaser trailer for The Last Jedi dropped. (Go watch it, I'll wait.) So many emotions were raised, along with SO MANY QUESTIONS!! I am incredibly excited for this new film and the next step in this ever-evolving saga. It was also announced today that Captain Phasma is getting a full length novel written about her, by wonderful wordsmith, Delilah S. Dawson. I'm a Rebel to the core, but man, I need to know about Phasma! (I will note that this attachment largely stems to my love of the woman in the suit - Gwendoline Christie. AKA, Brienne of Tarth.) I've never purchased a Star Wars book before, but man, this sucker is getting pre-ordered.

So to round out, I feel a bit like I've come full circle with Star Wars. I'm a fan again, wholeheartedly, and I couldn't be happier about it. (Though the day I got an Ewok hooded scarf comes pretty damn close to the overall feeling.)

May the Force be with you.

Why yes, I *did* wear this to see TFA!

Comics are Tasty

In late summer 2014, I was contacted by a friend and offered the chance to write comic & graphic novel reviews for a new site/zine she was cooking up with others. I jumped at the chance because - hey, I like writing reviews and why not do it for a wider audience? Besides, like just about any writer, I like validation. To me, that was awesome validation that some of the things I've posted here were good enough for a wider audience.

I wrote about 1 item a month until June of 2015, when a car accident sidelined me for most of the rest of the year. I often shared the reviews on Twitter, tagging writers & artists of the comics. It was kind of a rush when they liked and/or re-tweeted. (It's the little things.)

I had one last item on the online boards when I noticed an announcement from them on Facebook the other day. They were changing direction. Focusing elsewhere. So I asked, "what does this mean for me?" Yup, totally going in a different direction, best of luck in the future & thank you for my contribution.

The Felicia Day review that is in this blog was that last piece. It was edited professionally, hence the editor credit at the end.

I'm proud of the work I did for them. I'm so grateful to have had the experience of being professionally edited, too. It has made me a better writer, even if sometimes it stung. I am pretty disappointed about how I found out I would no longer be needed, but, I guess that's how it happens sometimes.

The bright side: that same evening, I got a message offering me an opportunity to write for the site Eat Your Comics! They're a local site that covers, well, comics...and a host of other nerdy, pop culture things. Currently, it's a labor of love, but hopefully one day we'll all get paid. Just getting things set up with them now & hopefully I'll have something up for them soon. When that happens, I'll be sure & post a link here.

It's Ok To Be Weird

I very rarely read non-fiction. But I made an exception for Felicia Day and her book You're Never Weird on the Internet (almost). I first noticed Felicia Day in season 7 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer as the character Vi: a geeky, potential slayer who ends up surviving the final battle to live on in the comic books. Now, she is most widely known in some circles as the creator of the YouTube channel Geek & Sundry and the web series, The Guild.

Get it! So good!

Her book is written in a somewhat linear fashion. It does progress through her life, but chapters/years backtrack to give more detail about a different subject. For example, a chapter discusses her love of acting and performing, starting when she was about 7 years old all the way through trying to succeed in Hollywood through small roles here & there and making herself over into someone who looked more hireable. It ends with the mention of her discovering World of Warcraft, while the next (titled 'Quirky Addiction = Still an Addiction') has an introductory blurb of “how my obssessive personality steered me into a twelve-hour-a-day gaming addiction and an alt-life as a level 60 warlock named Codex” and starts with her detailing her anal retentive tendencies from childhood.

She was homeschooled until the age of 16 when her violin teacher managed to help her gain a scholarship to the University of Texas. There she double-majored in violin and math. While at UT, she dove into her studies and worked hard to achieve a 4.0 GPA, at one point despite the advice of a professor. It was for a math course called Group Theory, which is, according to day “legendary” for its difficulty, and he felt that she grasped it well enough that her free time could be better spent experiencing life rather than trying to drill concepts she would never use again. In the end, Day disregarded his advice, getting that coveted perfect GPA. However, once she arrived in Hollywood and began trying for acting and other jobs, she discovered that the rest of the world doesn't always care about academic success, or any succes she'd had in small community theater productions. It was one thing that brought her down at first, because her academic life was one fueled by the desire for success and high performance.

Along with her own progression, the book charts the progress of computers and the Internet, waxing humorously nostalgic about the old dial-up days when one of the first service providers charged by the minute. (She & her brother once ran up a $400 phone bill trying to get tips for the online game, Ultima.) There is also a great story of when her mom took Felicia & her brother on a road trip so she could meet some of her online buddies in person when she was fifteen.

Though Joss Whedon wrote the introduction, there's no talk of what it was like to be a potential Slayer in season 7 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or what it has been like to be part of Supernatural. She does not speak much of the mainstream projects that brought her to the public eye. Rather, she talks about her own personal struggles to achieve her own niche in the world and create her dream project, a webseries called The Guild – and later, Geek & Sundry.

She speaks openly of that she's always been anxious, has a desire for perfection, and control as well as depression, that drove her life during some of this time. Eventually, she suffered from physical problems – hair falling out, an acid reflux problem normally seen in middle-aged men, and other health issues that forced her to seek help for both mental and physical well-being. Along with that came one of the harder things that we all have to learn, being able to say no out of self-care.

There is also a chapter where she weighs in about Gamergate – the scandal/hashtag/controversy that swept through the gaming community last year. That chapter in particular is a very sobering read, as she recounts getting a text from a friend telling her to close the comments on her Tumblr account, because someone had just published her home address. The anxiety and fear that Day experienced is tangible and I truly felt for her situation. Thankfully, nothing terrible happened to Day as a result of the breech of privacy.

One of the highlights in the book is an anecdote about shopping with her dad, where he questioned what she was doing with The Guild, because at that time, nobody was making web series – hers was one of the first. As he was asking Day about her choices, an employee of the store politely asked if he could take a photo with her, saying he & his roommate were big fans. This incident illustrated to her dad that, while he might not understand what she was doing, she was obviously doing it well.

I picked up my book at a signing and while there was no talk or Q&A, she high-fived me as I came through over our mutual love of the Lumberjanes comic.

I found that I identified quite a bit with Ms. Day, particularly with regard to academic achievement and the feeling of disillusionment that comes when one realizes that most people in the non-academic world really don't care about your GPA. In the end, her message is clear – do what you love, love what you love, and it's totally okay to be weird.

Mandi & I meeting Felicia. We normally look better than this. It was
a million degrees in the store. In August.

*This piece received editing assistance from the lovely & talented Jess Standifird.

First Issues for $1 - Princess Leia!!

Some time ago, in an effort to consolidate all Star Wars properties under the same umbrella, it was announced that all Star Wars comic rights were going over to Marvel. Then, last year, they began putting out new series, some for individual characters - including Princess Leia!

I picked up issue #1 for $1 recently to check it out & was not disappointed. The story picks up at the tail end of the awards ceremony we see at the end of New Hope. We are shown the crowd reaction to her speech - and some feel that she is an "ice princess" because she tells everyone that they do not have time to properly mourn the destruction of Alderaan & the death of her parents because, well, there's a war on. She has a brief conversation with Luke after the ceremony, in which he expresses his appreciation that she let him lean on her after Ben's death - and that he wishes she would lean on "anybody."

We're shown snapshots into the goings on of the base, they're on Yavin & need to find a new outpost, so the background shots are sometimes chaotic - especially when Adimral Ackbar berates someone for clumsiness. He really doesn't think highly of human hands.

Leia asks the ranking general what else she can do to help, and he tells her she should grieve. To drive home the point, he shows her a bounty notice that has gone out, explaining she will not leave the base without anything less than a full contingent of guards. She leaves in frustration & as she makes her way through the base, she overhears two X-Wing pilots talking - about her. She interrupts, dismissing one, and starts asking the remaining pilot why she's saying these (uncomplimentary) things.

After a frank heart to heart, Leia hatches a plan: to go out into the galaxy & find other people from Alderaan. Rumor has it, the Empire is hunting them down, so what kind of ruler would she be if she abandoned her subjects? Her new pilot is more than willing, because she too was from Alderaan and together they take R2-D2 and head out in a transport ship.

The story is by Mark Waid and he definitely captures the feel of the series and really further develops Leia as a character. The art is by Terry Dodson & Rachel Dodson and it's just fantastic. The series is out now, collected in a graphic novel, and I'm definitely going to pick it up at some point!