In Which I Natter on About Cancer & Politics

 So. It's been a few years since I wrote anything here. This weekend is 7 years since a woman who sounded like she had one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel (seriously she sounded very ancient) told me I had cancer and I sat in a small conference room at work. It was a phone call, which some have expressed shock and outrage over - such news, OVER THE PHONE? - but after being told several days earlier that the radiologist was like, 95% sure it was cancer I am glad they told me ASAP instead of making me wait. That evening someone told me that for the next while, everyone was only going to want to talk about/ask me about having cancer, but always remember that is the least interesting thing about me. 

And she was right. For a long time, I would get asked "how are you?," often with a slight head tilt that people do when they're being Very Concerned. Hell that was happening over a year later. 

At first I embraced a sort of activism and was very involved in breast cancer groups online. After awhile, though, I needed a break from both. Groups like that can be great, especially when you need to find some sort of community that remotely understands what you're going through. They can also wear you down. I think I tuned out when pseudoscience started popping up and mods allowed it, among many other reasons. It can also be very triggering when someone posts photos of surgical sites and they just...come up in your feed. There also came to be an undercurrent of toxic positivity in some of them.

One day, on a post where someone was talking about how shitty things were for her in that moment, someone rolled up and essentially said she should be grateful just to be alive. I replied that one can be grateful and also upset at the changes that happen as a result of cancer, the after effects, etc. Being grateful and upset are not mutually exclusive things. Unfortunately, the idea of being grateful, full stop, kinda pervaded the group along with 'what is this trying to teach me? I will say this now, with my full chest:

NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE A LESSON. SOMETIMES SHITTY THINGS JUST HAPPEN AND WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

Not to mention how messed up it is to assume that everyone has to view their experience exactly as you do. I mean, yikes. Don't tell people how to feel.

Which is another sort of aspect to all this - how people feel. When I got cancer, I had an incredible group of folks rally around and ask me for a wish list link, put together a meal delivery thing where we were fed by friends for almost 2 weeks, whether home cooked or restaurant and it was the most amazing thing. It frankly ruined me for future medical issues where a longer recovery was required, to be honest. Though one thing I did learn from all this is, when you're going through a hard time and people ask 'what do you need?' or "let me know if you need anything," be direct in those needs. Remember who said that you could call on them for assistance and do so. It is not easy because like the meme says, it's super hard to ask for help.

Having cancer taught me a lot about the people I know and about friendships. Many significant events over the last 5 years have taught me even more (events include, in no particular order: the term of the 45th president/all the harm his administration caused, COVID, Black Lives Matter, overturning Roe v Wade, rise in bigotry against LGBTQ+ folks, and there are many more.) Some things I learned about folks were not great and I ceased to associate with them as these are issues that veer into morality & decency. Another reason I tired of cancer groups was the 'no politics' discussion. Well...I hate to break it to you, but unless you're a straight, white, able-bodied man in this country, your existence is political because everyone else has to have carve outs in federal law to recognize them. (They're easy to find - many are in the constitution.) 

Though my risk of one is very low, I do worry about a recurrence of cancer. Going through all of that right now would be horrific for all the usual reasons but also how will all the fuckery from 47's regime impact someone's care? We already know that many clinical trials were cancelled due to a sweeping cut in funding because the elongated muskrat and his band of shitty tech dudes decided it fell under "wasteful spending." I believe funding was ordered to have been restored but haven't had a chance to follow up to see if they actually did it.

Some of the anti-trans legislation that's been written in the last few years is also worrisome to me because it is so poorly written that, in an instance of an older one in AZ, I could be singled out for not looking feminine enough - I have no boobs, don't wear make up, and usually dress in a pretty gender neutral way. A law in TX seeks to criminalize gender-affirming care (for kids and adults) and is worded in such a way it's easy to see how it could be twisted to make it hard to get a needed mastectomy. Since the current regime took over, I have noticed being stared at a bit more in public, even when I'm with my husband and have mentally rehearsed what I'll say if I'm ever confronted. Any asshole behaving in this manner will also probably get to see my scars because I'm so far past the point of a stranger seeing my chest it's not even funny. 

At my oncology check up in February, the doctor & PA were brightly positive that I was almost at the 10 year mark, which is significant in that I think at that point, I can finally stop taking the daily pill that shuts off estrogen production. (My ovaries are long gone but - fun fact, estrogen is produced elsewhere!) I look forward to not needing it but the risk of recurrence will remain low, never gone entirely. It doesn't help that I'm an anxious person by nature that could probably use medication for it, but I digress. 

I didn't expect to be dealing with the aftermath of cancer - it IS the gift that keeps on giving, after all - and fighting fascism, but here we are. A bunch of people decided that a petty fascist dude who hates everyone but rich white guys was a better choice than an experienced woman. Men really will burn the country rather than let a woman sit in the White House. 

Rhaenys Targaryen Velarion in season 1 of House of the Dragon

The last few years have been so hard for many reasons, including that in the span of 2 years we went from 3 cats to one and I've had some weird health things (not serious, but annoying). Recently, in December, we adopted two kittens who have brought much joy as well as some consternation because hey, kittens at a certain age are basically tiny velociraptors. The relationship between them & Princess Biscuits is progressing slowly but surely towards one of at least mutual tolerance. We have friends who are like-minded and lovely people, and things are looking up in many ways compared to previously. Maybe I'll even write here more often, who knows. We'll see if the Ides of March has anything in store.

P.S: Preview mode showed me this may not display well on a smartphone. I don't see a way to fix this. Sorry!