Reflections

As is stereotypical for this time of year, I've been doing some thinking. It started around Thanksgiving. We're not usually the sort to spend time on Thanksgiving discussing what we're thankful for, as we try to do that all the time, but this year was different. We ended up discussing how we're both thankful that I'm still around. Along with that, was gratitude I have that he found the lump. More gratitude to the medical team I've seen and continue to see, along with the friends that have helped along the way. 

Right now, I'm cancer-free.  Every night, I take a pill that acts to suppress estrogen. I'm not sure how long I will be taking it, I've heard up to 5 years, possibly longer. Each month I get a shot of another hormone suppressant and blood work gets done to check for tumor markers and it's been normal so far. I expect it to stay that way, too. 

I've had some bad days along with the good. But, this year I've felt more festive than I have in a couple years. Maybe it's some side effect of surviving a deadly disease, I dunno. But I sent cards this year for the first time in forever - just a few, but still. I made sure that for my birthday we went out & did something fantastic, rather than my usual quiet, movies and dinner thing. (And we did, the Arizona Museum of Natural History in Mesa, AZ is awesome!!) 

 

A few things come to mind recently that I did this year and am really happy about, one of which was reading at Amarise's wedding - which I agreed to do with enthusiasm & it was only on the morning of that it dawned on me that I'd agreed to public speaking. Not something I'd normally consider. But it went so well and I remain honored to have been a small part of such a gorgeous & touching ceremony. 

  

 I did a cosplay this year that I've wanted to do for a long time, but was always too shy to do it - Death from Neil Gaiman's Sandman series. Then I took that outfit & gave it a twist a couple weeks later at a con to great reactions. I still have a lot of work to do as far as eye make up, but I'm very pleased with it so far. (And shout out to the people who helped me with eyeliner! Woot!)

 

The group of friends I do panels with for Phoenix con each year has gained a smidge of notoriety in local geek circles and was invited to two other conventions this year, and another local one in 2019. 

There's other parts of my recovery journey - god that sounds so cliche - that I mean to post. Two drafts are started. I was trying to be chronological, but it's just not working out and some stuff still feels too raw to write about. I've changed this year, at least, I feel like have. I have even less patience for bullshit and/or drama than I used to. I've begun to look critically at things to determine if they still bring me a sense of happiness or joy and have ended up cutting out a few things as a result. Those cuts were painful, but necessary, and I am happier for them. Which was the point all along. 

The new year will bring new challenges as I enter what I call the maintenance phase. I also want to begin talks with a surgeon to make my chest totally flat. Come what may, I feel I've weathered the scariest part so far and have faith I'll make it through what comes next. 

I hope that everyone reading this has a good holiday season, that you get to spend time with people who care about you, and that you get to have some tasty food. Merry Christmas & happy holidays to you.

 

With a Little Help From My Friends

On the day of surgery, we had to be at the surgery center at 5 am for check in. 5 AM. I never get up that early. It was brutal. My brother & sister both wanted to be there, so on the way once we were on site, we took photos to help them figure out where to go once they arrived. Up to that morning, I thought I was ok and at peace with what was happening to me, but, when the pre-op nurse asked me to rattle off why I was there, my voice caught and I started to cry as I said "bilateral mastectomy with sentinal lymph node biopsy." She held my hand & told me it was ok. My breast surgeon & plastic surgeon arrived and they seemed weirdly hyped/animated. Is this a surgeon thing? Does it make them excited to go do their thing? I was asked that morning by someone if there would be reconstruction, I said no. Then an OR nurse came out & asked if there should be spacers - again, I said no. And at that point, was even more nervous because what the fuck people, I told you all of this. One of the last things I recall as I was put under was Dr. O'Neill (my breast surgeon) taking charge of things by way of having someone move & taking over a task then shushing the OR nurse who had been chattering loudly away.

Then later, I woke up. One of the first things I remember is Dr. O'Neill sitting at my bedside leaning on the rail, remarking on how drugged up I was but that I had come through the surgery great, minimal blood loss. And that there had been a 1 cm tumor in the lymph node, so it was also removed. That...was not cool to hear. After she left, my brother & Jason came back for awhile. Then my sister swapped places with my brother and she sat with me while Jason went to get my prescriptions & the car while a nurse helped me to the bathroom to well, use it, as well as get dressed. I won't go into a lot of detail on that, but I wore Wonder Woman undies that day & also made the mistake of looking at the bed where I'd been laying after coming back to my little recovery area because there was blood (that my sister quickly covered with a sheet).

We had a rough drive home & I don't remember much of the first 24-48 hours except for amusing things here & there - like warning the first few people to come over that I wasn't wearing pants. (I did cover up with a sheet though, so haha.)


***

After I started telling people about my diagnosis, I received an almost overwhelming amount of emotional support from all sorts of people. However, many of my fellow clinic escorts (plus a few others who wanted to help) provided tangible, edible support. At a Planned Parenthood luncheon in March, one of my fellow escorts took me aside to see how I was and ask some questions. She said that as soon as I had a surgery date, let her know - she would organize meals for us for awhile. When I seemed hesitant she took me by the shoulders, looked me right in the eye and said "I'm Southern & Italian - LET ME TAKE CARE OF YOU." (And I mean really, how can you argue with that?)

Fast forward to May. I had a surgery date & I let her know and sure as shit - she sent me a message to ask questions about food preferences, allergies, preferred meal times, etc. Within days, the entire first week after surgery was filled. Because of all these generous people, we didn't have to actually cook anything ourselves for almost a full two weeks. It was glorious. Some people cooked, some brought us take out, and a couple had food delivered to us from a restaurant. To be fair, I remember very little from conversations I had during the first few days when people stopped by - I apparently had a conversation with Serena that involved pirates and the Flying Spaghetti Monster...? (Jason mentioned it later on.) Yay Percocet!

Two friends who are medical professionals were quite helpful, one brought kick ass potato bacon soup for the first night and assessed my vitals. Another stopped over to help with questions we had concerning the drains and later brought strawberries & whipped cream.

There have been a handful of people who have randomly messaged me to check in & see how I'm coping. Words can't really express how much I appreciate that/those gestures.

Not to mention that prior to surgery people gave me books and the means to get more books (most of which I read while I was out). As I write this, I have returned to work. That doesn't mean this series will end. I still have more to say, but at times struggle with how I will say it.

This

Pre-dawn sky the morning of the surgery. Taken from our driveway.

In Which I Discuss Breast MRIs and Saving Nipples

Gentle readers, for this entry, I'm going to back track a little and discuss the breast MRI. You, like I, may be wondering "but, what makes this so different from a regular MRI?" Never fear, for I will explain. First, photos. The stark, plain one is a photo of what I referred to as the rig, the second is an example of how I (and other patients) are positioned for the scan. In my case, my arms were more extended, more like Supergirl or something, and I had an IV in my right hand. (And a 'panic button' bulb in my left.) 

The patient is naked from the waist up and, see those rectangular holes? That's where the breasts go. And then something was moved inwards to rest right next to them - unsure if it was to help with placement or to help direct the 'waves,' but it was fucking weird. I walked into the room in my gown & scrub pants and started giggling. Pretty sure the technicians thought I was crazy, but they ended up agreeing that yeah it is "unusual" looking. The people at Valley Radiology's breast center did their best to make it, um, comfortable, but my hands were going pins & needles by the end. (It was roughly 25 minutes long.) This procedure sucked ass. But, it did conclusively show that there was only cancer in my left breast. Side note: had I opted for a lumpectomy, because of my genetic mutation, I would have had to do this as well as the diagnostic mammogram & ultrasound every 6 months. 

Now, on to the discussion of nipples. Namely, mine. During the to keep or not to keep my breasts, I brought up the possibility of keeping some of the outer parts. Keep in mind, Jason & I had found out the evening before and had spent a little time researching how this works. Dr. O'Neill (my surgeon) said there were different types of mastectomies - including skin sparing and nipple sparing. She thought I should speak to a plastic surgeon, so I went. You see, and this may be TMI for some people, I wanted to keep as much of the original me as possible. Particularly my nipples, for reasons of sexy times. Mentioning this to one of my good friends, Amarise, resulted in this exchange:

Amarise: "Nipple conservation sounds like something people would pass out pamphlets about."

Me: "YES! HAHA! 'Save the nipples!  

Amarise: “Every year more and more nipples are disappearing. How will you stop it?”

Me: "Won't you please help?"

sad music in the background

Amarise: Cue Sara McLaughlin

So you can see I tried to keep a sense of humor about all this. The plastic surgeon advised that due to the size & shape of my breasts, nipple sparing surgery would not be a good plan. When rebuilt, my nipples would end up pointing down, which...ew. I did not want that. I later found online something about procedure called free nipple grafting. Where, during the mastectomy surgery, the nipple and part of the areola are removed & grafted to another part of the body. I was excited about this option and my plastic surgeon was game to try it, so that's what we did during the mastectomy. 

Getting the surgery scheduled was a pain in the ass. Two surgeons were involved which meant getting both schedules to align. And it would have been easier if the plastic surgeon's assistant hadn't sat on a VM I left for an entire week. There was a lot of back & forth prior to this, but then yeah. She sat on it for a week, then informed me my surgery was on 5/15 and I said "no," asking for it to be rescheduled because Phoenix Comic Fest (or whatever they call themselves currently) was the following week.

Now look, I know many of you reading probably think I'm crazy. That's fine. But the fact is, it was a small tumor, caught very early, I was expected at con as a panelist, and dammit, I was going to have some fun before this all got super serious. After a little more back & forth, they were able to acquiesce to my request and scheduled me for surgery on 5/30. Everything leading up to a surgery date felt like a runaway train, despite medical professionals saying things like "you're in control" and "whatever you want." I saw making them schedule when I wanted as a way to take back control - besides, I hate it when doctors schedule appointments & then tell you when to show up instead of asking. So, I got to meet comic writers I love, be Black Widow, and Osgood.

Me with some Bombshell Batwoman
cosplayers

Comics writer James Tynion IV

           

  

Marguerite Bennett, comics
writer, cat lover, Hufflepuff

                                  

So, I Have Cancer

Back in March, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Multiple people suggested I keep a blog/write a book/whatever so rather than start a new one, I'm gonna utilize this one! Because, y'know, it's already here. I'll begin at the beginning...

Earlier this year, my husband found..something in my left breast. We weren't sure we were really feeling anything, but I still had an order from my old OB/GYN, I contacted the new one to give a heads up. They said "oh hey, if you have a thing, you need a different kind of test; where are you going, we'll send new orders."

March 13: Mammogram & ultrasound. They confirmed we were right, then a radiologist came in & told me it looked like cancer, I needed a biopsy, but it was too late in the day to get one that day. I spoke to their scheduler who said they could get me in at 12:45 the next day, but she'd call me in the morning once they got an order. Those words - that it looked abnormal, that 95% of things that look like it are cancer were like someone sucked the air out of the room and punched me in the stomach at the same time. I got quiet & I cried. I'd gone to the appointment alone, thinking the best, that it would turn out to be nothing.

(That night, we went to a VIP pre-screening of Tomb Raider in IMAX and IT WAS AWESOME. Not related, but hey, it was a lot of fun.)

March 14 Biopsy day! We showed up to the same place. I was taken back, shown into a room and settled on a table. They had me roll to the right and placed a foam cushiony thing under my left hip. I raised my left arm, my right arm was bent at the elbow, palm resting on my torso, head was propped just so and they said "oh that's perfect, don't move!" So...I didn't. For 25 minutes give or take. The radiologist who oversaw the procedure said that if it was cancer, I'd join a club I never wanted to be part of...and also told me it's extremely common for husbands/partners to find the lumps, it's also how she found hers. By the end of the procedure I was giggly because I kept thinking about how I was laying and also this:

Pose not exact but you get the idea.

So, I explained this & it got a laugh out of all present. I then was moved to a room to do another mammogram to ensure the small marker they placed was in the right spot. On that wall - a Pre-Raphaelite print that I love that also underscored the whole paint me thing in my head. They kept assuring me they'd call the following day with results for that reason and that I wasn't allowed to shower for 24 hours, I called off work the following day. They never called.

March 16, a Friday. I went to work. I spent all day wondering, waiting. Then, at  just after 4 something in the afternoon, my cell rang. Someone said they had a call from a doctor. I accepted & soon I heard a wavery, very old voice (much like Diane Rehm on NPR) come on the line and politely explain that my results were back but it was not good news. She told me I had cancer. Then asked if I was with family, when I replied I was at work she got a bit stammery, realizing the awkwardness of my situation. We hung up. I called Jason & told him. Then went to the bathroom to cry & texted my supervisor who was at her desk. We talked & she offered support and the chance to go home early.

 By the end of the weekend, I'd told my family & many friends who I'm close to and volunteer with. The following week, I met with a breast surgeon, had a genetic test, and a breast MRI.

2 weeks later, I had a lumpectomy scheduled for 4/5 and my surgeon called on 4/3 at 7pm from her car to tell me I had a genetic mutation (CHEK2) and we needed to discuss it in the office. Next morning, we went in & after a lot of weighing of odds and scientific evidence, I opted for a bilateral mastectomy. This was a devastating thought for me at the time. I did not want to give up my breasts. I'd spent many years not really liking or resenting their size and had only recently gotten comfortable and now they were going?!? So, I was given info to consult a plastic surgeon on options.

This is enough for now. It's how it started. It felt like a runaway train at first and that feeling continued for awhile.

Buffy Season 4: Better Than I Remembered

I've been off work on medical leave since the end of May. (Treatment for cancer - seems like I'll be fine. Maybe I'll write about it sometime.) Since then I've read many books, watched some shows, and that includes continuing a re-watch of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

When I finished season 3, it was with a heavy sigh that I loaded up the DVDs for 4. I've always thought that four was not only the weakest season story wise, but also generally terrible. To give an idea of how terrible it's regarded, one friend referred to it as "hot garbage." But something weird happened. I found myself NOT HATING IT. Even the generally reviled episode "Beer Bad," because let's be honest, it's funny AF when she clubs Parker upside the head with, well, a club. Twice.

In the first episode, when she looks small and lost on the first day at UC Sunnydale, my husband remarked that Buffy in college was like him in high school and I realized it was me, too. Feeling small, lost, not quite sure what was going on or who to join in with. (I also felt the same way at college.) To see Riley for the first time - clean-cut, square-jawed, all-American hero type and be reminded how handsome & innocent he seemed. But also note that during the first meeting, he seemed more taken with Willow because she was the more knowledgeable of the two.

I cried all over again when Veruca showed up. She showed Oz what the life of an unfettered werewolf could be & his losses of control scared him so badly that he up & left with no explanation, breaking Willow's heart into a million pieces.

The other romantic relationships were great too, Anya & Xander - more Anya time is always welcome. Tara & Willow's burgeoning friendship that turns into more. Watching Riley & Buffy go from sweet awkwardness to can't-get-enough-of-each-other; while also noticing his feelings start to become more insecure as he realizes she can kick his ass.

Season 4 also has 2 amazing episodes - Hush and A New Man. The former is the iconic episode where monsters called The Gentelmen come to Sunnydale & steal everyone's voices; it is also the ep where Buffy & Riley see the first look at each other's secret lives. A New Man is where Giles meets up with his old rival Ethan Rayne who drops some hints about the Initiative and spikes Giles' drink to turn him into a Fyarl demon. Thus forming an episode long alliance with Spike since he's the only one who speaks Fyarl. Funniest bit is when Giles asks Spike to stop the car so he can get out & scare Prof. Walsh and one of the best overall moments is when Buffy is about to slay Giles, looks into his eyes and realizes it's him. "Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me."



Not to mention the fantastic 2 episode story where Faith comes out of the coma! (And drops some hints about Dawn - which I absolutely did not catch the first time around.) She's given a magical whatsit that allows her to switch bodies with Buffy. Seeing her (in Buffy) react to the way others see Buffy starts to change her so that by the end, she actually does want to fight the good fight...at least a little bit. Buffy also gets a strong dose of being Faith and it seems to freak her out. Although a good deal of her time being Faith is spent simply trying to survive since the Watcher Council sent a hit squad after Faith, she manages to subdue them, escape, and get help from her friends. In the end of course, magic prevails, they switch back, and Faith takes off. (To L.A., where she crosses over in an Angel episode & then turns herself in.) The Scooby Gang is left to pick up the pieces & deal with the repercussions of having Faith running around with Buffy's face.

And who could forget Superstar?!? Jonathan - who will later show up with the Trio & has been a background character since the beginning - does a spell to try & make everyone like him. This results in tweaking the world so that he is excellent at everything. Jane Espenson wrote this episode & it is a joy. To carry the story through, even the intro has been altered to include Jonathan doing heroic things. The story still manages to be relevant to the other plots going on, though, since at various times, Jonathan dispenses helpful advice to Riley & Buffy as well as lets the other Initiative members in on some important intel.

By the end of the season, I still think that as far as over-arching stories go, the Initiative was pretty weak and still dumb. BUT, the season as a whole was not as bad as I recall. It was them showing us the characters developing as young adults, on their own, away from the familiar confines of previous seasons. I first watched Buffy in my early 20s, so I don't have any of the leftover feelings of how it was when I was a kid, but 20 years of life can sometimes change one's perspective. Really looking forward to digging in to season 5 this week.